I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
