I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
