i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
