im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
