i barfeds in our rink
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm like, not good at living.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
