On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
