i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
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Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
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dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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