1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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