i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm having to shit out rocks
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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