I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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