I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Vodka?
Forever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
