People in love make me want to vomit
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Is Oprah even human
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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