what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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