did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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