Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
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I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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