me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
