Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
