I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
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Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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