Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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