booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
