Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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