filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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