Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
