i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
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Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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