i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
