I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
