I wannas sexs uuuuu
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
