Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
