I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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