i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
