Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
