my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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