There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
