I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
