Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
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I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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