it was like his penis was on wheels.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just invented taco cereal.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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