Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
