The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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