There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging