we have officially lost it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
