Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
