I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize