I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
soo... how was my night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
