a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
