found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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