She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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