Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
