Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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