Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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