i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
