Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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